Making Mania Work for YOU

Let me preface this by saying that the friend's therapist (Dr. C----) who'd promised to help me find a therapist hasn't done so yet. She's suggested someone in her practice, who didn't have an opening until September, and I'd said, fine, please get back to me with that information, or have her contact me.

It's September.

The doctor my friend had recommended (and whom her therapist did confirm as someone she'd use) had an outgoing message saying she was away for two weeks but leave a message.

I left a message, wherein I said I believed I was some version of bipolar, which Dr. C---- also believes after speaking with me, and I would like to talk to her about medication.

It's been three weeks. Dr C--- did call with the name of another doctor who might be good for prescribing medication, but I got the impression she hadn't worked with her before.

So in addition to coming into a manic phase, I have supposed professionals who should understand what it means when someone says, "I'm bipolar and I need help." It means, "I'm trying to wake up from this nightmare and I need your help to do it."

So I feel myself heading for another manic episode (compulsive talking to myself as I walk down the street being one of oh so many symptoms) and as always, I'm self-monitoring like mad, trying to recognize my amped-up symptoms as symptoms and not necessarily a reflection of reality. To put highly-charged reactions into perspective by breaking things down.

There are benefits to this approach, not the least of which is a clarification of priorities and relationships.

I won't go into boring detail, but I have some some reality-checking with friends I trust (friends who dont' live in Chicago, BTW), and they agree my "friends" here are pretty lame. Example:

A group of us loves Dr. Who, and the season premier was last night. Last week I sent an email suggesting we all get together to watch it. One of the women, who lives in the 'burbs, suggested we come out to her place, a rented house, where we could watch it and have a bonfire after. I said I was game if the two women with cars were.

One of the women has friends coming into town, so she begged off. Discussions ensued about going out, what we'd do, perhaps take in a local event beforehand. The other, C, talked about doing it.

Then Burb girl said she couldn't do anything beforehand as she had a story to finish (she's a freelance reporter), but she could watch the show with us. The other friend, C,  was silent.

I waited a couple of days and emailed C, who lives one street over, to confirm we were still going. No answer. This is very unusual for her. I sent another message the next day, Nothing. I informed Burb Girl that I wasnt' sure it was happening, as C was exhibiting passive-aggressive avoidance behavior that I'd seen before when she didn't want to do something but didn't want to come out and say it. Not to mention that I wasn't going to have my own plans in limbo and had just decided to sit at home and watch the show by myself and have a nice, relaxing evening.

I called C Thursday to make sure she was OK, as I still hadn't heard from her. I left a message, and got no reply. At that point, I emailed Burb Girl and told her that I assumed it was off and we'd get together another time.

Late yesterday afternoon, Burb Girl called me to say she was coming in. I assumed she meant to my house, until she said, "I'm going over C's. She's ordering pizza, so come on over."

"She's hosting?" I asked.

"Yeah. She didnt' say anything to you?"

"No."

"Well,I wouldn't take it personally; it's just C being C."

"Yes well, I'm tired of C being C. I want to see you, so I'll come over. Could you let her know that you invited me so I don't feel all weird about barging in?"

So I went over and it was fine, but I've written off this group. This is just one example of very typical behavior, including my next-door neighbor, a gal who is asked to watch the twins pretty regularly, knows how much I miss them, and makes sure to tell me AFTER the fact how cute they are and how fast they've growing.   Or being told someone can't hang out for long, because they have to go two streets over to Friend's house for a 50th birthday party for him (I know this person; I've hung out with him and been to his house. You'd think they'd ask me. Nope, Ditto barbecues, breakfasts. I was invited to Burbs girl's 40th birthday, held in our yard, and I made the  cake - took a day off from work to make it, in fact, because I stupidly thought it was an honor to help her celebrate. I'm so naive. I realize now that it would have been hard for them to hold the party for someone I know in my own yard and not invite me, especially since I'm the condo contact for reserving the yard.)

I've got enough work cut out for me with my own stuff that I'm not inclined to waste time dealing with adults who behave like schoolchildren defending their boring little clique. And part of the clarity is not holding on to anger or grudges, but simply realizing that these are not relationships that I want. So no more trying to organize get-togethers or parties or anything. It's less stressful to just plan for myself, and not have to worry about the crazy.

I've asked myself two questions lately that have been simple and obvious, but important to my perspective: 1. What would your life look like if you stopped caring what Kevin thinks about you? 2. What would your life look like if you pursued only those things/people that make you happy?