Lifetime. TV for Moms. Or Whores.

So I tend to have Lifetime TV on at night for the reruns of Frasier and Will and Grace. It's good for background noise, but the commercials are frightening. It's clear that the target audience is women (well, duh), but if one were to judge from the ads, the Women of Lifetime fall into several categories (not necessarily exclusive): 

• Soulless Hot Backstabbing Sluts (sex is at it's best when you're competing with other women and -- Jackpot! - screwing their husbands)

• Paranoid Mothers (a parade of products that you must provide to your kids lest they develop a serious case of scurvy and rickets)

•  Women unable to attend properly to their own equipment (another parade of products, these designed to remove the very awkward Feminine Unfreshness, also known by the less euphemistic as Coochie Funk)

And of course, Women with Cancer. These have sub-categories, such as Women With Cancer whose devoted kids plan an outrageous gesture of love; Women With Cancer reconciling with their estranged kids; Women With Cancer ready to follow the dreams they never had the courage to pursue until terminal illness makes them understand what's Really Important, and that is to Follow Your Dreams.

The disturbing thing about the Women With Cancer is that they seem to be the only women who can actually focus on something they want (when they're not being martyrs) without being portrayed as selfish and dysfunctional.