Friday, March 20, 2009

An open letter to Employers.

Dear Sir/Madam:

I realize that the economy has hit everyone hard. I realize that with companies making less profit, we all have to tighten our belts. So I understand that your company can't offer the salary it used to. I understand that in order to survive you have had to cut costs, which includes pay.

But here's the thing: you need to wake the hell up.

If you advertise for an office worker at a decimated salary, you need to consider redefining what you are entitled to for your criminally low pay. See, what you don't seem to understand is that your former assistants didn't keep your calendar and make your travel arrangements and deal with the seventeen calls a day from your nanny/mistress/neurotic spouse and send out your Christmas cards and buy your kids' college textbooks because they enjoyed it; no, they did so because you were paying them seventy thousand dollars a year.

So when you are offering the offensively low pay of $12 per hour, you and the other five people that are used to being babysat need to develop a relationship with your computers, learn that the Internet can actually be used to book travel in addition to viewing Asian porn, and figure out how to decode the mind-blowing intricacies of a software calendaring system (hint: there are seven days in a week).

You need to learn how to listen to your own voicemail and answer your own e-mail. And if you insist that I have a B.A., the only excuse you have for putting "Get lunch" in the job description is if you are looking for someone who majored in Lunch Getting, because I graduated Magna cum Laude with a major in Communications and a minor in English, but after seeing enough of your BS job postings, I'm considering returning to school for an Associate's in Kiss My Ass.


SP said...

Make sure you include a link to this in your resume.

JC said...

This is my cover letter.