Tuesday, December 2, 2008

What you do when there's a slowdown at your company

First, you conspire with the guy in Environmental (Guy 1) who sits next to you. You plot to freak out the other guy in Environmental (Guy 2), whose office is next to his. The guy who has boundary phobias and whose visible pulling away from whatever space you enter is by now a department-wide joke, told to his face.

Having grown tired of holding your index finger a foot from this man to watch him cringe and laugh, or watching him veer sideways against a hallway wall as if sucked there by a vacuum when you approach him, arms spread, as if to bestow a wet, sloppy kiss, you are ready for the next phase. You team up with Enviro Guy 1, who has access to Enviro Guy 2's computer.

Today, when Enviro Guy 2 is out, you make your move.

At the color scanner, you stand on a stool and position yourself while Enviro Guy 1 waits for the signal that your eyes are closed before pressing the button. You feel your plan progress as the warmth of the scan light passes across your face and your eyelids glow red.

You transmit the scanned image to EG1, who loads it onto EG2's machine. Some quick assistance from Help Desk as to desktop background file types (assuring them that there is nothing pornographic at play), and you have successfully loaded a scan of your face, pressed in a silent scream against glass in a way that suggests you are trapped in Enviro Guy 1's machine.

Now, you wait.

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