Saturday, April 12, 2008

Oy vey, you call that a safeword?

Went to a fundraiser tonight to support an organization founded by a co-worker. One component was a silent auction. I'd donated a glass piece, and gotten my esthetician and another friend to make some donations also, and met them there.

As we moved through the crowded event looking at the silent auction items, one caught my eye: A gift certificate.

To Schwartz's House of Lingerie.

This was gold, baby.

I whispered to one of my friends, "Hey, you vant something in a nice teddy? Maybe a little satin? A little lace? Maybe a nice thong? Ve gat vatever you vant. Ve help you turn your mensch into a man."

I couldn't stop myself. "You vanna get sexed up? Schwartz knows vat to do. Like my Bubbie used to say, 'no thong, no schlong'."

We hung around for awhile, I was outbid on a couple of items (but go me for trying), and I ate an inordinate amount of strawberries dipped in whipped cream (maybe all that Schwartz rubbed off on me).

I was wearing a black dress over which was a velvet long jacket with a huge collar and cuffs made of that ratty-looking faux fur that's sort of in style. And knee boots. Kind of what you'd think of if a dominatrix were the guest star on a "Who Are The People In Your Neighborhood?" segment on Sesame Street.

The founder's connections stem from her work as a crew coach for a private Catholic high school, so much of the crowd was a quasi-suburban upscale set. Which meant the muppet coat got a lot of stares, it not being from Chico's. Or Schwartz's. The organizer is the same girl I've mentioned, the beautiful one, who men just slaver over. I say this with the minimal amount of cynicism that I can have and still be human, but watching the well-connected guys who came out of the woodwork for this, I truly see how being beautiful opens doors. At one point I was chatting with the girl, J--, and a male coworker came up to say hi. He then introduced his friend, and then his brother, and they all stood there, staring at J--and trying to get a word in over each other. This is nothing I haven't experienced a thousand times before with J--, so to amuse myself I said, "I guess I'll just fade away then. OK. 'Bye."

Nobody noticed, and nobody noticed when I walked away. I relayed this scene to my friend there, and we laughed our heads off.

"Seriously," I said, "Being around this girl is like being in a movie, It's like being Phyllis Diller next to Audrey Hepburn."

We ate some more strawberries, and then we headed out, home to our not-beautiful but very good lives.

1 comment:

SP said...

And at the end of the day, you will always have the consolation of being a muppet.