Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Et tu, ovaries?

So I went to bed last night feeling anxious and Emo (as you all know, since you had to read my whine post).  My feelings about the anxiety of a job hunt and of having fond memories of colleagues collapse in the face of indifference to my current job search are real. But this morning I woke up actually excited at the idea of a job. Not just that -- excited at the idea of being the right-hand person to a decision maker. What changed?

Well, yesterday afternoon I started having abdominal pain. At first I thought it might be back pain from doing next to nothing this past week, not getting to a gym. Then the pain grew worse, and I realized the pain was something else. It felt like I was ovulating.

I'm 51. My last period was last August, a kind of last hurrah, or so I thought. So unused to dealing with this was I that I was out of practice with regard to ignoring my emotional state when the symptoms present themselves.

Don't get me wrong -- I still have reservations, but they are in the context of an overall eagerness to get on with my life, to have an income that will allow me to start on the strategy for success I had in mind when I decided to move here.  So I'll be doing a new kind of job -- that's not new for me. Will they like my big personality? Why not? I have a track record of ingratiating myself with even the most irascible.

I'm a hardier person than I was when I left Boston almost 10 years ago. I'm more resourceful, less put off by hardship, more confident in my ability to make my life happen. If my commute involves a bus to a commuter rail to a long subway ride, that's what it involves,and the fact that I can make it happen is more important than whether it's enjoyable. Once I get a car, I can stay in town to catch a movie or a play, catch up with friends and not worry about the bus service ending before I get home on the commuter rail. I can visit my best friend via the discount airline that flies right into Toronto. I can get to Chicago and see the kids. I know all of this is idealistic, but it helps to envision the scenarios I'm aiming for in order to appreciate the essential value that a job has in making them come true.

So tomorrow I dress up again and sally forth in frigid weather to sell myself to the big cheese. Its not a job; it's power.

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