Saturday, November 3, 2007

Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep Because They Were Bored Into a Nap?

Tonight I headed to the Music Box to see the latest, "Final," cut of "Blade Runner." I've seen this movie several times over the years; what makes it possible for me to see it over and over is simply that, with the exceptions of a few scenes, I can't remember much of the movie at all. In fact, the main reason I do go can be summed up in two simple words:

Rutger Hauer.

I arrived and, after buying my ticket, purchased a small popcorn and a cup of Ginger Peach tea. I sat in the rear of the theater (every seat is a fabulous seat, and I love not having anyone behind me). I finished my popcorn and went to sip the tea. The lid came loose, and the tea, which had been filled to the rim and was extraordinarily hot, splashed, which caused me to startle, which caused it to splash over my thumb and onto my lap. As my thumb and thighs were scalded by the tea, I tried, teeth clenched, to carefully place the deadly tea on the floor, while "This is just like and episode of I Love Lucy/The Dick Van Dyke Show/The Carol Burnett Show/Laugh In" flashed through my mind.

The legs were spared the worst thanks to some heavy blue jeans, but my thumb was pretty painful. There was some time before the movie began, so I went to the water fountain in the lobby (mercifully close to where I sat), and ran cold water over my thumb, which brought relief.

I returned to my seat, but my thumb was still pretty bad so I returned to the fountain and ran more water over it. Back at my seat again, the pain in my thumb grew so severe as to threaten to interfere with my ability to focus on the movie.

Back a third time to the fountain, ran some water, and returned to my seat. more pain. It just went away. It was amazing.

Watched the movie, only vaguely aware of what had been changed (the end was different from what I remember; no single shot of blue sky). And as I watched the credits, I realized why I didn't tend to remember the details of this movie.

It's boring as dirt.

The premise is great, the visuals are amazing, but taking a story that involves a grim urban-jungle future, super androids, a bounty hunter, and genetic engineering, and making it slow-ho-ho, takes some doing. I mean, so many lost opportunities to explore the androids in depth; to have great chase scenes, create a real thriller..and the love interest, Sean what's-her-name, seems to have been directed to have all the personality of kitchen cleanser.

Afterwards I took myself out for Drunken Noodles at My Thai nearby, and then home on the El, where a man sitting on the concrete platform asked me, and gave his opinion on, whether we have to answer to our Creator for what we do. I think he just needed someone to talk to, and so we chatted until the train came and then went our separate ways on either end of the car.

So after a movie, a scalding, drunken noodles, and talking with strangers, I can sum up the high point of my night this way:

Rutger Hauer. In shorts.


SP said...

First of all, I have talked to that guy before.

Second - did you put the balm on?

JC said...


This totally redeems your connection to David Hasslehof.

Balm? What balm?!? I never told you to put on any balm!!! This is disadvantageous, non-medically sagacious, and completely outrageous!

JC said...

Oh Lord, please tell me it wasn't in Cell Block.

And if it was, please tell me EVERYTHING.

SP said...

You're so sad. I mean the homeless guy on the EL platform

JC said...

Your jealousy is palpable.

Josh said...

It is only due to the long and torrid past that we share that I am not scorning you right now. Blade Runner is an excellent movie, but the dramatic tension is more psychological in nature. It's not a shoot-em-up, but how many times can you go back and watch Total Recall, anyway?

JC said...

THIS? THIS is what it takes to get you to comment on my blog after two-and-a-half years?!?!?! Not my farcical love life, or gazillion jobs, or chickens running amok?

I've got to trash overrated scifi more often. :-)