Today I wore all black. Black skirt, long-sleeved top, tights, knee boots. Black bra. I was, I explained to our receptionist, mourning the Death of Love. It was tongue-in-cheek, of course. I surreptitiously reached into my waistband and showed her a flash of the bright red panties that symbolized eternal hope, and we laughed each time I walked by and pointed at my crotch.
On the way home, I was thinking about this day, and I realized something.
I am an asshole.
In my complete self-absorption I'd forgotten a rule that has always seen me through low times: when you feel alientated or left out, stop waiting for people to come to you, and DO SOMETHING NICE FOR SOMEONE. Get over yourself, stop thinking about yourself, and reach out. This past week I had been so selfish, so focused on me, that of course I was unhappy: self pity is self perpetuating. So I was single on V-Day. Big deal. I like being alone, and I know it. So the last guy I met let me down awkwardly. Big deal. That doesn't make him a bad person or a mean person. He was decent and, like the rest of us, entitled to his human flaws. Who knows what burdens other people carry with them? What gives me a monopoly on being vulnerable?
I can focus on my disappointments, or I can remember that I have the best friends a person could want (including a best friend who once made me 100 paper cranes as a gesture of his affection), a house full of incredible animals, and an email in box that always has a message from someone who's thinking about me.
As I walked through the slush I realized that, had I sent my sister and mother some chocolates, a card to my great aunt, cards to my friends, I could have participated in Valentine's Day; I could have made it special. Instead, I decide to be a self-centered baby and mock an opportunity to be nice to people simply because I'm single.
My pal Maggie once sent me a card that says "What do we live for, if not to make life less difficult for each other?" I love this card, and keep it on my mirror so that I can read it all the time. How could I have forgotten this great message?
So to everyone who comes across this, Happy Valentine's Day. Love, love, love, me. xoxoxoxoxo